Random updates....

Oh yeah I am so happy because I was talking to Zi Hui last night and she said that we will only be rotating next year! Now I have time to prepare...I hope!

I met Jo for lunch yesterday and went to get some stuffs for my parents. I ended up shopping and I realised that I can go shopping alone. All along I think I cannot go shopping alone because I needed people's input on the things that I want to buy. As I walked, I saw what I liked, tried and decided to buy. Have never been so decisive before. Perhaps I was in the mood of shopping even though I felt sleepy and tired. I bought a dress and 2 tops, cost like 100 plus together? I feel so satisfied but dont worry I know how much I can spend...

I was watching this chinese show that kept saying love is selfish! How can love be selfish? Love is never selfish. God is love and God can never be selfish to do what is good for Himself only. If not we would not be here today, having our family and friends. God taught me how to love and I cannot be selfish. My decisons got to be love centred. The things I do have to be love centred. Despite the things that I have done or might do seem very cruel but it is love centred.

Indeed I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I have mixed feelings...
I feel excited too....
I am finally fred from the cage, not being under control.
I no longer need people to baby sit me.
But I do feel scared...
The feeling is great but I have a lot of people to answer to for my actions from now on.
They haver high expectations of me and I do feel stress.
I hope this kind of stress it wont be for long and rather have it as a good way to encourage me.
I am worried I cannot meet up to the expectations towards me and disappoint them.
I have been waiting for the day and it's finally here.
The higher the hopes, the higher the disappointment.
But I hope it wont happen on me.

I am tired but I want to type.
I have new challenges tomorrow.
How exciting but scared.
I am looking forward to the day that I will be busy for Christ.
Thinking of how to get 6 Sundays off.
There's a will there's a way.
God will make a way possible for me as long as I want to serve Him.
There's no time to think.
Before you know it, you are in it.
When God calls, just do it. No time to think.

I feel stubborn because I refused to go sleep now.
I have meeting tomorrow morning.
I feel stubborn with the way I feel sometimes.
Refused to let go what is not possible, silly and stupid dreams.
I want to sleep away and forget everything.
Start everything new again.

The start of 22nd

I have accidentally deleted my blog and I guess this is a sign to start of a new year, my 22nd year of my life. I felt that my 21st year of life was rather meaningless. All I can remember doing was just leading PPC praise and worhsip session, getting to know Eu Jin and Justin and called them to attend some bible sharing, working...There were lots of unhappiness too like getting upset with someone over and over again, memos, attitudes that dont seem right, scoldings, ups and downs like a roller coaster rides at work that I almost cannot take it anymore.

However I managed to reach the next year of my life, all thanks to the people who God sent to me. Made me new friends like Jenny who supported me well, my colleagues who were there to encourage me and listened to my whines, my little ones in church who always made me feel welcomed in church, my praents, especially my mother who tolerated my frustrations, last of all my kor who has been spening a lot of times with me and always enlighten me and advising me what to do. My 22nd year has just started for 5 days, new challenges are already coming my way. I am really scared and not prepared for any challenges.

I was told by Zi hui that I am going to central in Nov. It sounded quite exciting but I am afraid too. It seems likegoing to be a brand new environment I am going to work in even though is in the same ward. No doubts I will learn a lot but I guess it's not going to be easy as at A side. I believe I am going to go through even more than ever because I am no longer a new girl and I have no preceptor. There are many things I am expected to know but I am really not exposed much at A side.

Today met up with Moses to enquiry about being catechist. I have received whatever information I wanted and sort of settled the plan to start next year with liss and camp and there after decide if I want to join them for 1 year to discern if I am called to be. I saw Gerry later on and we talked for a while. In the end, she suggested to start this Sunday as they are going to plan for the next year plan. I was a little shock but I am glad because I want to get involve with the CC4 because the 2 girls who asked me to be their Godma. It is a great chance because they have yet to start planning for next year and I am able to join them. Isnt it God's will? However it's really fast and I am not prepared on how to arrange my schedule as I start on the journey to discern.

I went out with Godma today and it seems like God is sending her to knock on my head to wake me up. Everything is still the same as how it should be but I have fallen in again. I really didnt expect to feel anything when Godma made that statement but I did. A sudden sadness came over me and I just didnt want to believe that it will happen. She might not know if it is really true but it was a reminder for me to let go. She might have said that because she knows that I have not let go. I was really sad when I was going home, thinking about what she said and my fears for whatever that are coming made me feel worst.

Thank God I am not working tomorrow because I am really not ready. Even though I have not been working the whole week but I still feel physically tired and thinking what I am going to face at work made me scared to go back. I really pray that God will give me the courage to face everyday and let go. God I need You! Please be with me!