An irritating feeling

I feel very very irritated and I know why but I dont know what's the exact reason. It seems like a replied that I said? or a statement that I heard? or the shocking news that I heard? or the fact that I am just being one sided? or the reality I dont wish to face?

After thinking for 1 hour plus plus, I think I got the exact reason why I feel very irritated because I feel like I am still being made as a fool.

Get out of this disappointment please..

I feel so disappointed with myself..I dont know what's wrong with me too, dont seem to be focusing. At the start of the shift, there were a lot of things to settle and we made round till 12 and it was time to give anitbiotics. After giving, 2 admissions came in. I helped Su to do 1 admission because she was at the other patient and we continued to answer call bells till 3am then able to write report. I guess I was a little kan cheong and afraid that not able to finish with 20 patients and the other routines. I wrote till 5am and checked through the imrs and trying to remember something that I got to do but I still missed things out. I was too stressed because the time was getting nearer and Su was not able to finsh her work too. Not able to calm myself for this night, perhaps I didnt do night for very long and I dont know all the patients who have long stories. I just feel disappointed and scared to go work. I dont know how to get out of the disappointment. God please help me tonight.

What does being appreciative means?

That was the question I had yesterday. I was helping my colleagues to take down the inservices that they have attended before while I was taking down mine. Ab Neo was helping me too. I gave to them but none of them said a thank you. I mean I didnt do it for people to like me or just want to hear a thank you but I just kind of a little shock that the 4 people I gave to, no one show appreciation. It just led me to think of the statement that my colleagues said: 'The ward will not appreciate what you have done." It is kind of ironic that people who made such statement are not showing that they appreciate too?

I am not trying to say they are not nice. They are very very nice people who are willing to help when you approach them and people who encourages. I just feel like I am living in a world that is not loving enough. Well actually I can say that to me being who they are towards me are being appreciative already. To me it does not mean that being appreciative must always say a thank you, we can show it through our actions too. Like I am very willing to buy food for my station to actually show that I appreciate them. Is it not a natural thing for people to say thank you when they take initiative to do something for you? I think it is good to have the habit to say thank you and let people who does not really know you to feel appreciated. I guess I feel appreciated because I know them and know how they are like. I guess we should all start this way and change this place that we are living a more loving place to stay at and we will know that it is not too bad too. I hope that we can be saying that the ward is starting to appreciate when I continue to show my appreciation in the most simplest way.

Save me from this crazy world

My mum just told me that my papa has started to talk rubbish ever since he started talking this new medicine. She told me the rubbish things he said and instead of getting worried, I found it funny. Perhaps I have seen it too many times at work and find it normal but I do find it shocking that it is happening to my father. I read up the 2 brain medicines he has been taking but I still cannot figure out what to do. The doctor who prescribed the new medicine has went on a holiday already, unable to get him. My mum and I think that prehaps he has too much of this brain medicines that causing this weird symptoms to develop. He has taken 4 times of the medicine already and it stated on the website that the treatment should not sudden stop. I told my mum not to continue but not to give so many times until when I find help at work or my tan jian ming replies me tomorrow.

haiz what a moody roller coaster day today..I felt so irritated with myself for being so tired because of work and I got no energy to do other things. My guilt is going to eat me up because I feel very bad still not able to serve God. I can find the time but I cannot fight with my body's condition. I know I need the rest, if not my patients might be in a terrible state. That's why I didnt wake up for 7am mass and go for catclass meeting. I reached home quite late last night after my friend's wedding. If I have no work today, I would definitely go for meeting and attend 5.30pm mass. I really felt super terrible that I hated work and didnt want to go work. However when I go work today, I felt happy again. I was deployed to central and had fun working with tan peng liang with his rubbish that was quite funny. I went back with him and he was saying I am a werird person. He sounded as though trying to tell me to better grab people who likes me if not no one will like this weird person. I think I am hyperactive. Nowadays talk so loud and hyper. I think something wrong with me too. I think I should refer myself to psy. Aiya want to sleep liao...

Super tired la!

I went to Ellenborough Market Cafe at Swiss hotel to have buffet yesterday. There was nothing special or interesting to me and it was super expensive. I spent about 56 bucks? Not worth it! However had fun with my secondary school friend nana..Took a few crapy photos here and there. I think I ate too much and went back a little too late even though we took cab back. Today had some funny feelings of my tummy and felt very very frustrated with everything. Later part of the day felt really unwell. Stomach kept churning and felt like puking. I managed to be home in one piece..I was so exhausted! I better go rest now..Tomorrow is the last day of my morning shift and finally my rest...Catch my photos on facebook which I will upload soon!

Random updates....

Oh yeah I am so happy because I was talking to Zi Hui last night and she said that we will only be rotating next year! Now I have time to prepare...I hope!

I met Jo for lunch yesterday and went to get some stuffs for my parents. I ended up shopping and I realised that I can go shopping alone. All along I think I cannot go shopping alone because I needed people's input on the things that I want to buy. As I walked, I saw what I liked, tried and decided to buy. Have never been so decisive before. Perhaps I was in the mood of shopping even though I felt sleepy and tired. I bought a dress and 2 tops, cost like 100 plus together? I feel so satisfied but dont worry I know how much I can spend...

I was watching this chinese show that kept saying love is selfish! How can love be selfish? Love is never selfish. God is love and God can never be selfish to do what is good for Himself only. If not we would not be here today, having our family and friends. God taught me how to love and I cannot be selfish. My decisons got to be love centred. The things I do have to be love centred. Despite the things that I have done or might do seem very cruel but it is love centred.

Indeed I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I have mixed feelings...
I feel excited too....
I am finally fred from the cage, not being under control.
I no longer need people to baby sit me.
But I do feel scared...
The feeling is great but I have a lot of people to answer to for my actions from now on.
They haver high expectations of me and I do feel stress.
I hope this kind of stress it wont be for long and rather have it as a good way to encourage me.
I am worried I cannot meet up to the expectations towards me and disappoint them.
I have been waiting for the day and it's finally here.
The higher the hopes, the higher the disappointment.
But I hope it wont happen on me.

I am tired but I want to type.
I have new challenges tomorrow.
How exciting but scared.
I am looking forward to the day that I will be busy for Christ.
Thinking of how to get 6 Sundays off.
There's a will there's a way.
God will make a way possible for me as long as I want to serve Him.
There's no time to think.
Before you know it, you are in it.
When God calls, just do it. No time to think.

I feel stubborn because I refused to go sleep now.
I have meeting tomorrow morning.
I feel stubborn with the way I feel sometimes.
Refused to let go what is not possible, silly and stupid dreams.
I want to sleep away and forget everything.
Start everything new again.

The start of 22nd

I have accidentally deleted my blog and I guess this is a sign to start of a new year, my 22nd year of my life. I felt that my 21st year of life was rather meaningless. All I can remember doing was just leading PPC praise and worhsip session, getting to know Eu Jin and Justin and called them to attend some bible sharing, working...There were lots of unhappiness too like getting upset with someone over and over again, memos, attitudes that dont seem right, scoldings, ups and downs like a roller coaster rides at work that I almost cannot take it anymore.

However I managed to reach the next year of my life, all thanks to the people who God sent to me. Made me new friends like Jenny who supported me well, my colleagues who were there to encourage me and listened to my whines, my little ones in church who always made me feel welcomed in church, my praents, especially my mother who tolerated my frustrations, last of all my kor who has been spening a lot of times with me and always enlighten me and advising me what to do. My 22nd year has just started for 5 days, new challenges are already coming my way. I am really scared and not prepared for any challenges.

I was told by Zi hui that I am going to central in Nov. It sounded quite exciting but I am afraid too. It seems likegoing to be a brand new environment I am going to work in even though is in the same ward. No doubts I will learn a lot but I guess it's not going to be easy as at A side. I believe I am going to go through even more than ever because I am no longer a new girl and I have no preceptor. There are many things I am expected to know but I am really not exposed much at A side.

Today met up with Moses to enquiry about being catechist. I have received whatever information I wanted and sort of settled the plan to start next year with liss and camp and there after decide if I want to join them for 1 year to discern if I am called to be. I saw Gerry later on and we talked for a while. In the end, she suggested to start this Sunday as they are going to plan for the next year plan. I was a little shock but I am glad because I want to get involve with the CC4 because the 2 girls who asked me to be their Godma. It is a great chance because they have yet to start planning for next year and I am able to join them. Isnt it God's will? However it's really fast and I am not prepared on how to arrange my schedule as I start on the journey to discern.

I went out with Godma today and it seems like God is sending her to knock on my head to wake me up. Everything is still the same as how it should be but I have fallen in again. I really didnt expect to feel anything when Godma made that statement but I did. A sudden sadness came over me and I just didnt want to believe that it will happen. She might not know if it is really true but it was a reminder for me to let go. She might have said that because she knows that I have not let go. I was really sad when I was going home, thinking about what she said and my fears for whatever that are coming made me feel worst.

Thank God I am not working tomorrow because I am really not ready. Even though I have not been working the whole week but I still feel physically tired and thinking what I am going to face at work made me scared to go back. I really pray that God will give me the courage to face everyday and let go. God I need You! Please be with me!