Happy Chinese New Year to all! Today I went to my Godma's house and my little Godson came to visit me. I am so happy even though the whole day feel very bored. I feel the flame is covered by a bowl, dying soon. I hope I can do something soon. How I miss running up and down for mpm.
Anyway I had a great ang bao from my sister. I thank her for promoting me to SN one. I was really happy that I was jumping up and down. No one seem to know how I feel with the reactions that was shown to me. Maybe they thought I was crazy. This journey has not been easy, been through many memos, scoldings, tears, frustrations and etc. If not for all my colleagues, I would not be able to be what I am today. They have been really patient in teaching me and supported me very well by listening to my whines and cries. I just dont know how to describe how I feel but I guess I am more confident now and wont be too sensitive already. After all the incidents that happened, I cannot help to feel emtional and sensitive. I thank God for all my colleagues and friends!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
More disappointed
My gosh..Such a short day but so stressful. I have not been very well today but finished my work early today. My colleagues took the roster over to our station and we were all looking at it. I was not able to find my name and just then sister Chia came over. I told her cannot find my name and she said mine is over at A side roster. I stunned a moment and started tearing. Norani, Syahidah and Annabelle were all around to stop me from crying. I said that I am going over because I am not performing well. They told me to not think that way and go ask sister first. I asked sister and she said that because A side is lacking of staffs. She gave me a "slap" on my cheek and said not because she does not want me. I told her I cried before I asked her and she gave me more slapped, laughed and told my other colleagues that I very silly. All of us stood there and laughed. SSN Vali said that Sister Chiew requested for me to go over because they want someone that worked at A side before. I felt relieve but still quite upset because sister said permanently will be there for now. I finally getting myeslf adapted to B side and with the colleagues but now I need to go back A side. I feel quite upset but what to do, I have to listen to the authorties. Not a bad thing though, can get away some unpleasant things.
I felt so tired on my way to church and I just got to see people that I was not ready to talk to. I acknowledged them and went up to church straight but least that I expected they have not attended mass and came to sit beside me for mass. Through the mass I really was not able to let my thoughts be still but just thought of the disappointment and sort of broke down.
I talked to them after mass and I do feel better letting it out even though I was more disappointed than before. I rather they told me that they forgot about me than the reasons that they gave me. It made sense and I understood where they were coming from. It was about the other people not able to mix with the younger ones and because I am from there, in order to be fair they chose not to call me too. When they made the decision, why there was no one who can stand up for me and say that I am different from them and I wont do the same? Have none of them seen me always trying to get to know the younger ones or seen me always with the same clicks? Yes I definitely can go for that occasion but no one told me anything so how can I go? I was so caught up at work that I didnt remember the day too but I would go if I have no plans that day. Aiya just so disappointing and sad. Now I do have every reason for feeling like I dont have any friends. However I feel better to let them know how I feel.
I felt so tired on my way to church and I just got to see people that I was not ready to talk to. I acknowledged them and went up to church straight but least that I expected they have not attended mass and came to sit beside me for mass. Through the mass I really was not able to let my thoughts be still but just thought of the disappointment and sort of broke down.
I talked to them after mass and I do feel better letting it out even though I was more disappointed than before. I rather they told me that they forgot about me than the reasons that they gave me. It made sense and I understood where they were coming from. It was about the other people not able to mix with the younger ones and because I am from there, in order to be fair they chose not to call me too. When they made the decision, why there was no one who can stand up for me and say that I am different from them and I wont do the same? Have none of them seen me always trying to get to know the younger ones or seen me always with the same clicks? Yes I definitely can go for that occasion but no one told me anything so how can I go? I was so caught up at work that I didnt remember the day too but I would go if I have no plans that day. Aiya just so disappointing and sad. Now I do have every reason for feeling like I dont have any friends. However I feel better to let them know how I feel.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Do you understand how it feels like when people cant see your effort that was put in? Can you understand how it feels like when you are not called to be there with the efforts put in? Do you understand how disappointed it is? Even though I am at fault with neglecting it but I really put in the effort to fight the best and continue to be there whenever I can.
Just feelings, no one to blame. Move on.
Just feelings, no one to blame. Move on.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I feel homeless
I dont know why but I feel homeless. People who are close to me dont seem to anymore. Maybe I am expecting too much? I dont know why recently having a sense of belonging seem to get more and more important. Maybe that's why I am feeling kind of homeless. I know people do care, just that they cannot be with me 24/7. Is this one of those nights that I missing the past again?
This career of mine seem to draw me so far away from where I should belong. Can anyone understand how I am feeling? Why do I feel I have no friends when I know clearly I do have a lot of friends, plus those that I just made who are constantly wanting to meet up with me. I guess I am looking for someone to share my life with. Someone that I can tell about what happened each day. Am I looking for a boyfriend? Do all singles feel this way? I think I am really just missing the past.
I know I should just focus on God. He is constant. He is here for me to tell Him and I will try to find comfort in Him. I am not lonely because I have Him. I am just missing the past and just disappointed when people does not seem to remember you but it is human nature to forget. Well I decided not to go because my God daughter already booked me 1 week in advance so I should not make her sad, even though I really wish to be at the occasion that means to me.
This career of mine seem to draw me so far away from where I should belong. Can anyone understand how I am feeling? Why do I feel I have no friends when I know clearly I do have a lot of friends, plus those that I just made who are constantly wanting to meet up with me. I guess I am looking for someone to share my life with. Someone that I can tell about what happened each day. Am I looking for a boyfriend? Do all singles feel this way? I think I am really just missing the past.
I know I should just focus on God. He is constant. He is here for me to tell Him and I will try to find comfort in Him. I am not lonely because I have Him. I am just missing the past and just disappointed when people does not seem to remember you but it is human nature to forget. Well I decided not to go because my God daughter already booked me 1 week in advance so I should not make her sad, even though I really wish to be at the occasion that means to me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Pushing myself to move
I answered God's call today! I was at PPC meeting today and it was the day to elect new office barriers, which means I can finally leave my post as the assistant secretary. However I do know that there might be a chance to be elected again. I really wish not to be elected again, as sitting in for meetings with the adults simply made me clueless of what has been going on. Perhaps I am not mature enough to understand how they work or the nature of this organisation. Quite a failure though that I am in this organisation for 2 years, yet I still dont really understand the structure.
Well I know that most people would decline when they were nominated because their own group has quite a bit of responsibilities already. I was thinking that it would be very unreasonable for me to decline because I dont have any group responsibility even though I have other responsibilities like family and work but so do others. However at the same time, it would not make sense to be elected because I am not representing any group. So it was rather ironic. Anyway I told God that if He really wants me to do it, I wont decline and yup I was nominated to be the secretary instantly.
I also took the chance today to find a community that I should serve. I shortlisted a few and rank them accordingly. At the beginning during the registeration, there was a lady from the FIRE ministry was verbalising that her other partner cannot make it due to the heavy workload of their ministry. At the point I felt like that may be a good place for me to go. If I am not wrong, everybody will take turn to teach the children and I not necessary have to be on the days of their lesson for every week. If I am not able to teach, I am able to help them out on the admin side or helping to prepare lessons for them too. These do not necessary need to always go down to church. I had all these thoughts only when I was heading home, so I will find out more.
I have been feeling very exhausted and drained as each day passes by, it feels like physically sick. I told God to grant me health and energy to serve Him but I read in the book of St Teresa of Avila that she fell sick because she didnt serve the Lord properly. I was thinking if that might be my case. Perhaps I should really push myself to serve Him no matter how tired I am and He will grant me the health eventually. All right before I get more unhealthy, I should go rest now.
Well I know that most people would decline when they were nominated because their own group has quite a bit of responsibilities already. I was thinking that it would be very unreasonable for me to decline because I dont have any group responsibility even though I have other responsibilities like family and work but so do others. However at the same time, it would not make sense to be elected because I am not representing any group. So it was rather ironic. Anyway I told God that if He really wants me to do it, I wont decline and yup I was nominated to be the secretary instantly.
I also took the chance today to find a community that I should serve. I shortlisted a few and rank them accordingly. At the beginning during the registeration, there was a lady from the FIRE ministry was verbalising that her other partner cannot make it due to the heavy workload of their ministry. At the point I felt like that may be a good place for me to go. If I am not wrong, everybody will take turn to teach the children and I not necessary have to be on the days of their lesson for every week. If I am not able to teach, I am able to help them out on the admin side or helping to prepare lessons for them too. These do not necessary need to always go down to church. I had all these thoughts only when I was heading home, so I will find out more.
I have been feeling very exhausted and drained as each day passes by, it feels like physically sick. I told God to grant me health and energy to serve Him but I read in the book of St Teresa of Avila that she fell sick because she didnt serve the Lord properly. I was thinking if that might be my case. Perhaps I should really push myself to serve Him no matter how tired I am and He will grant me the health eventually. All right before I get more unhealthy, I should go rest now.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009 New Year Resolutions
In the midest of all the nosies of all the people who are getting ready to count down 5 minutes more to the new year, here I am here sitting in front of my lap top decided to blog about my new year resolution. Despite going out with the long queue of guys from where I am now till JB, I still decided to stay home and write my new year resolution. That's how important it is! (Yeah right!)
Anyway I know that I wont be able to finish it by tonight because I have a retarded brain that cannot work that fast and I am morning shift tomorrow but I better jot down some points before my flame goes out.
1. Answer God's call promptly.
God's call comes and goes. When a calling from God comes, you will know that it is from Him. If dont act on it, it will go easily with all the worries that set in. I was emtionally down a few days ago but when I prayed, I felt that I want to spend a lot of time with God. If I focus on Him, I wont think too much about the past. I I felt motivated to want to attend mass often and get mpm members to spend time with God too. It felt like a great idea having at least one mpmers to attend mass. If everybody has this wanting to spend time with God through the highest form of prayer, that will be really nice. However I started to think what if the younger ones are really quite consistent in attending masses, then it might lead them to always want to fellowship after mass which might cause unhappiness to their parents. Still got many many worries but I guess wait till the day when I manage to get them to attend mass consistently.
Anyway because of this calling. I came up with a few more resolutions to help me fufil the first one.
2. Attend mass when I am morning shift and off days as long as I have no appointments.
3. Finish work latest by 4pm when I am morning shift.
4. Read up on my work after work.
5. Listen to the authorities
If I want to attend mass, I have to end work by 4pm and prepare to go church. If I want to end work on time, I need to know my work well too. In order to do that, I need to read up, recall knowledge and know more. I have to get myself not to be to frustrated over work, as it will affect me to respond to callings. I will listen to the authorites, after all I believe the authorities are from God because only God can have the authority over me. Those authroities are really difficult to handle but it will help me to be dicipline and I shall just keep my mouth shut and do what I need to do.
6. Find my community and to know God more.
With the plan up there, I definitly need support. I have to find my community to support me and also to find God. I believe that you can only find God through serving. I need His support and therefore I need to know Him more too. I will also read up on books when I am home or as long as I am free. The next few are my other commitments too.
7. Spend time with my Godson and God daughters on their special day (baptism and confirmation day) with Christ.
Even though it's a yearly thing but it's a commitment that I want them and myself to make. At least to attend mass and if possible see how otherwise we can spend time with God.
8. Not be judgemental
The colleague who used to scream at me, saying I was passing rubbish, was actually quite nice to me yesterday.
Yup 8 resolutions! Can I make it? I hope I can!
Anyway I know that I wont be able to finish it by tonight because I have a retarded brain that cannot work that fast and I am morning shift tomorrow but I better jot down some points before my flame goes out.
1. Answer God's call promptly.
God's call comes and goes. When a calling from God comes, you will know that it is from Him. If dont act on it, it will go easily with all the worries that set in. I was emtionally down a few days ago but when I prayed, I felt that I want to spend a lot of time with God. If I focus on Him, I wont think too much about the past. I I felt motivated to want to attend mass often and get mpm members to spend time with God too. It felt like a great idea having at least one mpmers to attend mass. If everybody has this wanting to spend time with God through the highest form of prayer, that will be really nice. However I started to think what if the younger ones are really quite consistent in attending masses, then it might lead them to always want to fellowship after mass which might cause unhappiness to their parents. Still got many many worries but I guess wait till the day when I manage to get them to attend mass consistently.
Anyway because of this calling. I came up with a few more resolutions to help me fufil the first one.
2. Attend mass when I am morning shift and off days as long as I have no appointments.
3. Finish work latest by 4pm when I am morning shift.
4. Read up on my work after work.
5. Listen to the authorities
If I want to attend mass, I have to end work by 4pm and prepare to go church. If I want to end work on time, I need to know my work well too. In order to do that, I need to read up, recall knowledge and know more. I have to get myself not to be to frustrated over work, as it will affect me to respond to callings. I will listen to the authorites, after all I believe the authorities are from God because only God can have the authority over me. Those authroities are really difficult to handle but it will help me to be dicipline and I shall just keep my mouth shut and do what I need to do.
6. Find my community and to know God more.
With the plan up there, I definitly need support. I have to find my community to support me and also to find God. I believe that you can only find God through serving. I need His support and therefore I need to know Him more too. I will also read up on books when I am home or as long as I am free. The next few are my other commitments too.
7. Spend time with my Godson and God daughters on their special day (baptism and confirmation day) with Christ.
Even though it's a yearly thing but it's a commitment that I want them and myself to make. At least to attend mass and if possible see how otherwise we can spend time with God.
8. Not be judgemental
The colleague who used to scream at me, saying I was passing rubbish, was actually quite nice to me yesterday.
Yup 8 resolutions! Can I make it? I hope I can!
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