Negative VS Positive

Working in the ward on a busy day is like organising a prayer rally. If you know how was it like to organise a prayer rally, you will know how much effort and perfection you need when working in the ward because it's life you are dealing with.

Today I had a disgusting day but I feel glad because I feel I have done perfect job with all the cases. There were many factors and accumulation of feelings that caused a disgusting day. Reflecting about all factors, I understand that no one should be blamed. Let me name the things that caused stress as N (negative) and the reasons why I should just let go as P (positive). Understand? Negative and positive?

Early morning I was not in a good mood with the accumulation of feelings yesterday. N1. Yesterday someone complained to mummy about me not helping other staffs. N2. There were 3 ICs yesterday and my side at the start was a bit more relax. I managed to go for break and bought for them. I felt very bad because the other two ICs just seemed to be too busy to be able to go break. I really wanted to help and always thought that I should be able to finish so like delayed mine work by offering help but in the end I got changes and stuck in a room. They did the rest of the routine and I ended up not finishing on time too. I felt like such a failure.

P1. There were 4 MCs today and it caused the whole ward to be messy with all N3. the deploying of staffs and lacking of staffs at each station. P2. At first there was only 2 ICs but thank God that XZ was called back to work. N4. Later part of the morning, I was accused of not helping and I just shouted back at that person saying that not I dont want to help but I was helping another colleague with her 9am discharge. I got really irritated but P3 I understand that there was stress from her also because she was overall junior with two students but 1 student MC too and the diet was not served yet when it was almost 9am.

N5. My day started with dressingsss....I got 5 patients who need dressings but I did it for 6 times in total. I was stuck with this patient for almost 1 hour for just her hand dressings that caused me to have backache. She was not able to turn her hand in a way that was easier for me to do and it was really tideous. P4. She didnt say a thank you but did show appreciation by acknowledging that I do till I got backache. Maybe 'this' not knowing how to express appreciation caused her to be landed in the hospital. Oh well! I just know that she is quite depressed over her injures and just do my best to attend to her. N6. I was so busy that I didnt go break at all. This is a big thing man because I am having gastric now. When I was done with mine 4th dressing, I went to discharge one of my patients. P5. Thank God she was really patient. When I went over, she really looked like that she needed to go very urgently but yet she didnt come out to pester me to give her the documents but waited for me to go over.

Then it was time to pass report and I only wrote 2 reports out of 8 patients. N7. Sometimes the thing that I really dont understand is that why do people expect you to finish everything during your shift when they know that you were really really busy with the changes. I just felt that way when I passed over to ZJ because she didnt offer to help. P6. Well I may be too spoilt in always wanting to rely on people for help.

N8. After that I rushed to do the dressing for the patient who I spent 1 hour with. This time round need to teach the husband how to do. It was definitely easier with another hand helping me with pulling up patient's hair and supporting her head but it was not easy teaching him too. He just asked same question over and over again. There was a few more things to do for her which I had already passed it on. N7. I did tell ZH it is really impossible to discharge her during my time but I did all I can to complete. Like the husband asked for some more dressing materials and I got it settled by getting it from the ward but just got to send the form down to get a new supply to return to ward which I filled the form too. I started to write report and the OT told ZJ and I that the patient asking a lot of things and waiting for discharge but she just seemed like she is not going to do anything. Well all right so I called the doctor about patient's request but didnt get through. N9. I saw that patient's appointment slip that my ward clerk returned back with one small error that I didnt do and felt disappointed because why she didnt call me to ask which she will usually do and had to make me walk to central to give her the appointment slip again. P7. Come again, maybe she did call but I not around or it was another clerk who most probably wont be that nice or today was really a terrible day for her too as I heard. N7. Anyway before I went to central to settle that, ZJ knew about the above and I was hoping that she will continue from there but she just gave the look that I should settle. I ignored her and continued to write my report.

At that time I was really stressed up already and felt very sensitive. N10. XZ called the two colleagues to eat the cake first before continuing working instead of me and despite knowing that I didnt go break at all. Nothing big but I just needed someone to comfort me. N11. I saw ZH and I was comforted because I thought she was coming to offer me help but she helped SY do a dressing and arranged case file. I dont mean to say her side not heavy but I just felt so alone. I would be glad enough if she just talked to me. N12. They served the pre and post meal despite their sides were heavy. They can do that why cant I? Were XZ and SY thinking of me that way? That's why she didnt offer me the cake or help? P2. However like I said earlier on that thank God, XZ was called back if not SY and I will really die.

N13. I went over to do my last dressing on the verge of crying but patient's daughter came in and I held back my tears. P8. It was great to have the daughter because she helped me to hold the patient's leg and I also tried my best to answer her about the consequences of patient refusing treatment. I really cannot be bothered with that patient's discharge but fortunately P9. I walked passed them so many times but they didnt bug me for the documents. N7. I just decided to see if ZJ got it settled. I asked if she called the doctor but no? The error appointment slip was still on the case file. I was really pissed and decided to just settled it and discharge them. That's when I went to central to get new appointment. I called the doctor and he picked up that time. P10. Luckily he came down quite fast and just then patient's husband came out to the counter and to my surprise P9. he didnt flare up but asked for the documents very nicely. At this point, ZH started to talk to me but I just ignored her and was finding for the stupid tube that was gone! N8. I broke down when I really cannot find the tube. P8. ZH started to calm me down despite my ignores to her. I discharged my patient at 5PM! 5PM leh! It's over my timing for one and a half hour! P11. Well I feel cannot blame ZJ too because maybe it might be really messy if she discharge patient as she might not know the full story for her and sort of there was a sick patient. She helped me to insert a catheter too which probably that should be done earlier by me.

P8. ZH and SY then helped me to settle my discharges too, N14. which SY looked reluctant too. I was telling them about what happened this morning and SY pushed ZH to my side to listen. I think I was sensitive but she didnt give me a good feeling about being interested to hear. I was once close to her. I just realised that in the ward there is no one that I can really talk to except ZH and Bel. I do envy that ZH and the one whole group of my batch seem close but I just cant be that close even though ZH tried to get me into the clique. I feel so childish. P12. Before I left the ward, FC saw me and she asked why my face like that? Then asked is it want to vomit again. I was comforted for her concern.

Conclusion! This is a close fight between negative and positive. Sorry but to say negative won but by 2 points. So I am slightly negative then positive after counselling myself. Well not so bad la but I am really tired liao! Sleep!

Journeying

My gosh I suddenly realised I am quite a shopping freak! Despite being so tired and sleepy, I didnt want to go back because I was at a shopping mall and my legs just cannot helped but walked to a shop that stated 50 percent discount. I used to not like going shopping alone but now I dont care being alone and started walking from shop to shop. I just got to spent my money somehow and I bought a box of mochi ice cream. I didnt eat it alone but I shared with my parents even though they didnt really enjoy it.

Last night had good food! Joyce's dad is a excellent cook. Everybody has been saying that first time we tasted such good food at a party at chalet. Yup it was Joyce's 21st birthday party yesterday and most of the maranuts were there to celebrate for her. There was supposed to have games but the main lead was stuck with her video. He came only at 10.15pm and managed to play it. The video was quite touching with all the pictures and messages. I do wish that I had one too but my 21 was over. It does not really matter to me actually. It was just nice knowing that people appreciate you for who you are and the things you had done.

Well I dont really always need people to show they appreciate me but knowing that they in turn can show people love, I will be happy enough. Even though those things can help individual to go on during times of despair but to me I have a few friends that constantly pushing me on and that's enough. Plus I already have a big "mountain" for me to lean on.

Why did I have such emotions? Because of what Joyce said to me last night. After we gave her the present, she came to me and hugged me saying that she feels very bad for not celebrating my 21st. She said sorry and I was quite overwhelmed by it. Hmmm and I just realised that we have known each other for about 4 plus 5 years? My gosh that's shocking to me because the time passes super fast. Memorries seem to just stuck at the years that she was at AJC, when on and off through out the week I would call her to talk. Wrong! I would say I called her to listen because most of the time she was the one doing the talking..(should have say all this in the video! But heartfelt words are always hard to say in front of so many people, need courage plus plus.) I was quite entertained by all her real life stories about herself and also just to make sure she will be back in church again after her difficult periods. It was just like when I was away but there was no one who called to talk to me beside a few messages. Even though the memorries does not seem to increase from then on but no regrets with what I have done for her seeing her journeying with the others. I do hope she can really journey with them back to Christ.

I guess journeying starts "slowing down" when that person knows Christ is worth it to go all out and starts another journey with someone who does not know Christ. Then it will be the time to let Christ take control of the person fully and for the person to journey with Christ. It will be a new journey starting.

The best ang bao from sister

Happy Chinese New Year to all! Today I went to my Godma's house and my little Godson came to visit me. I am so happy even though the whole day feel very bored. I feel the flame is covered by a bowl, dying soon. I hope I can do something soon. How I miss running up and down for mpm.

Anyway I had a great ang bao from my sister. I thank her for promoting me to SN one. I was really happy that I was jumping up and down. No one seem to know how I feel with the reactions that was shown to me. Maybe they thought I was crazy. This journey has not been easy, been through many memos, scoldings, tears, frustrations and etc. If not for all my colleagues, I would not be able to be what I am today. They have been really patient in teaching me and supported me very well by listening to my whines and cries. I just dont know how to describe how I feel but I guess I am more confident now and wont be too sensitive already. After all the incidents that happened, I cannot help to feel emtional and sensitive. I thank God for all my colleagues and friends!

More disappointed

My gosh..Such a short day but so stressful. I have not been very well today but finished my work early today. My colleagues took the roster over to our station and we were all looking at it. I was not able to find my name and just then sister Chia came over. I told her cannot find my name and she said mine is over at A side roster. I stunned a moment and started tearing. Norani, Syahidah and Annabelle were all around to stop me from crying. I said that I am going over because I am not performing well. They told me to not think that way and go ask sister first. I asked sister and she said that because A side is lacking of staffs. She gave me a "slap" on my cheek and said not because she does not want me. I told her I cried before I asked her and she gave me more slapped, laughed and told my other colleagues that I very silly. All of us stood there and laughed. SSN Vali said that Sister Chiew requested for me to go over because they want someone that worked at A side before. I felt relieve but still quite upset because sister said permanently will be there for now. I finally getting myeslf adapted to B side and with the colleagues but now I need to go back A side. I feel quite upset but what to do, I have to listen to the authorties. Not a bad thing though, can get away some unpleasant things.

I felt so tired on my way to church and I just got to see people that I was not ready to talk to. I acknowledged them and went up to church straight but least that I expected they have not attended mass and came to sit beside me for mass. Through the mass I really was not able to let my thoughts be still but just thought of the disappointment and sort of broke down.

I talked to them after mass and I do feel better letting it out even though I was more disappointed than before. I rather they told me that they forgot about me than the reasons that they gave me. It made sense and I understood where they were coming from. It was about the other people not able to mix with the younger ones and because I am from there, in order to be fair they chose not to call me too. When they made the decision, why there was no one who can stand up for me and say that I am different from them and I wont do the same? Have none of them seen me always trying to get to know the younger ones or seen me always with the same clicks? Yes I definitely can go for that occasion but no one told me anything so how can I go? I was so caught up at work that I didnt remember the day too but I would go if I have no plans that day. Aiya just so disappointing and sad. Now I do have every reason for feeling like I dont have any friends. However I feel better to let them know how I feel.

Do you understand how it feels like when people cant see your effort that was put in? Can you understand how it feels like when you are not called to be there with the efforts put in? Do you understand how disappointed it is? Even though I am at fault with neglecting it but I really put in the effort to fight the best and continue to be there whenever I can.

Just feelings, no one to blame. Move on.

I feel homeless

I dont know why but I feel homeless. People who are close to me dont seem to anymore. Maybe I am expecting too much? I dont know why recently having a sense of belonging seem to get more and more important. Maybe that's why I am feeling kind of homeless. I know people do care, just that they cannot be with me 24/7. Is this one of those nights that I missing the past again?

This career of mine seem to draw me so far away from where I should belong. Can anyone understand how I am feeling? Why do I feel I have no friends when I know clearly I do have a lot of friends, plus those that I just made who are constantly wanting to meet up with me. I guess I am looking for someone to share my life with. Someone that I can tell about what happened each day. Am I looking for a boyfriend? Do all singles feel this way? I think I am really just missing the past.

I know I should just focus on God. He is constant. He is here for me to tell Him and I will try to find comfort in Him. I am not lonely because I have Him. I am just missing the past and just disappointed when people does not seem to remember you but it is human nature to forget. Well I decided not to go because my God daughter already booked me 1 week in advance so I should not make her sad, even though I really wish to be at the occasion that means to me.

Pushing myself to move

I answered God's call today! I was at PPC meeting today and it was the day to elect new office barriers, which means I can finally leave my post as the assistant secretary. However I do know that there might be a chance to be elected again. I really wish not to be elected again, as sitting in for meetings with the adults simply made me clueless of what has been going on. Perhaps I am not mature enough to understand how they work or the nature of this organisation. Quite a failure though that I am in this organisation for 2 years, yet I still dont really understand the structure.

Well I know that most people would decline when they were nominated because their own group has quite a bit of responsibilities already. I was thinking that it would be very unreasonable for me to decline because I dont have any group responsibility even though I have other responsibilities like family and work but so do others. However at the same time, it would not make sense to be elected because I am not representing any group. So it was rather ironic. Anyway I told God that if He really wants me to do it, I wont decline and yup I was nominated to be the secretary instantly.

I also took the chance today to find a community that I should serve. I shortlisted a few and rank them accordingly. At the beginning during the registeration, there was a lady from the FIRE ministry was verbalising that her other partner cannot make it due to the heavy workload of their ministry. At the point I felt like that may be a good place for me to go. If I am not wrong, everybody will take turn to teach the children and I not necessary have to be on the days of their lesson for every week. If I am not able to teach, I am able to help them out on the admin side or helping to prepare lessons for them too. These do not necessary need to always go down to church. I had all these thoughts only when I was heading home, so I will find out more.

I have been feeling very exhausted and drained as each day passes by, it feels like physically sick. I told God to grant me health and energy to serve Him but I read in the book of St Teresa of Avila that she fell sick because she didnt serve the Lord properly. I was thinking if that might be my case. Perhaps I should really push myself to serve Him no matter how tired I am and He will grant me the health eventually. All right before I get more unhealthy, I should go rest now.

2009 New Year Resolutions

In the midest of all the nosies of all the people who are getting ready to count down 5 minutes more to the new year, here I am here sitting in front of my lap top decided to blog about my new year resolution. Despite going out with the long queue of guys from where I am now till JB, I still decided to stay home and write my new year resolution. That's how important it is! (Yeah right!)

Anyway I know that I wont be able to finish it by tonight because I have a retarded brain that cannot work that fast and I am morning shift tomorrow but I better jot down some points before my flame goes out.

1. Answer God's call promptly.
God's call comes and goes. When a calling from God comes, you will know that it is from Him. If dont act on it, it will go easily with all the worries that set in. I was emtionally down a few days ago but when I prayed, I felt that I want to spend a lot of time with God. If I focus on Him, I wont think too much about the past. I I felt motivated to want to attend mass often and get mpm members to spend time with God too. It felt like a great idea having at least one mpmers to attend mass. If everybody has this wanting to spend time with God through the highest form of prayer, that will be really nice. However I started to think what if the younger ones are really quite consistent in attending masses, then it might lead them to always want to fellowship after mass which might cause unhappiness to their parents. Still got many many worries but I guess wait till the day when I manage to get them to attend mass consistently.

Anyway because of this calling. I came up with a few more resolutions to help me fufil the first one.

2. Attend mass when I am morning shift and off days as long as I have no appointments.
3. Finish work latest by 4pm when I am morning shift.
4. Read up on my work after work.
5. Listen to the authorities

If I want to attend mass, I have to end work by 4pm and prepare to go church. If I want to end work on time, I need to know my work well too. In order to do that, I need to read up, recall knowledge and know more. I have to get myself not to be to frustrated over work, as it will affect me to respond to callings. I will listen to the authorites, after all I believe the authorities are from God because only God can have the authority over me. Those authroities are really difficult to handle but it will help me to be dicipline and I shall just keep my mouth shut and do what I need to do.

6. Find my community and to know God more.

With the plan up there, I definitly need support. I have to find my community to support me and also to find God. I believe that you can only find God through serving. I need His support and therefore I need to know Him more too. I will also read up on books when I am home or as long as I am free. The next few are my other commitments too.

7. Spend time with my Godson and God daughters on their special day (baptism and confirmation day) with Christ.

Even though it's a yearly thing but it's a commitment that I want them and myself to make. At least to attend mass and if possible see how otherwise we can spend time with God.

8. Not be judgemental

The colleague who used to scream at me, saying I was passing rubbish, was actually quite nice to me yesterday.

Yup 8 resolutions! Can I make it? I hope I can!