The little things in life

Negative VS Positive

2009-05-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

Working in the ward on a busy day is like organising a prayer rally. If you know how was it like to organise a prayer rally, you will know how much effort and perfection you need when working in the ward because it's life you are dealing with.

Today I had a disgusting day but I feel glad because I feel I have done perfect job with all the cases. There were many factors and accumulation of feelings that caused a disgusting day. Reflecting about all factors, I understand that no one should be blamed. Let me name the things that caused stress as N (negative) and the reasons why I should just let go as P (positive). Understand? Negative and positive?

Early morning I was not in a good mood with the accumulation of feelings yesterday. N1. Yesterday someone complained to mummy about me not helping other staffs. N2. There were 3 ICs yesterday and my side at the start was a bit more relax. I managed to go for break and bought for them. I felt very bad because the other two ICs just seemed to be too busy to be able to go break. I really wanted to help and always thought that I should be able to finish so like delayed mine work by offering help but in the end I got changes and stuck in a room. They did the rest of the routine and I ended up not finishing on time too. I felt like such a failure.

P1. There were 4 MCs today and it caused the whole ward to be messy with all N3. the deploying of staffs and lacking of staffs at each station. P2. At first there was only 2 ICs but thank God that XZ was called back to work. N4. Later part of the morning, I was accused of not helping and I just shouted back at that person saying that not I dont want to help but I was helping another colleague with her 9am discharge. I got really irritated but P3 I understand that there was stress from her also because she was overall junior with two students but 1 student MC too and the diet was not served yet when it was almost 9am.

N5. My day started with dressingsss....I got 5 patients who need dressings but I did it for 6 times in total. I was stuck with this patient for almost 1 hour for just her hand dressings that caused me to have backache. She was not able to turn her hand in a way that was easier for me to do and it was really tideous. P4. She didnt say a thank you but did show appreciation by acknowledging that I do till I got backache. Maybe 'this' not knowing how to express appreciation caused her to be landed in the hospital. Oh well! I just know that she is quite depressed over her injures and just do my best to attend to her. N6. I was so busy that I didnt go break at all. This is a big thing man because I am having gastric now. When I was done with mine 4th dressing, I went to discharge one of my patients. P5. Thank God she was really patient. When I went over, she really looked like that she needed to go very urgently but yet she didnt come out to pester me to give her the documents but waited for me to go over.

Then it was time to pass report and I only wrote 2 reports out of 8 patients. N7. Sometimes the thing that I really dont understand is that why do people expect you to finish everything during your shift when they know that you were really really busy with the changes. I just felt that way when I passed over to ZJ because she didnt offer to help. P6. Well I may be too spoilt in always wanting to rely on people for help.

N8. After that I rushed to do the dressing for the patient who I spent 1 hour with. This time round need to teach the husband how to do. It was definitely easier with another hand helping me with pulling up patient's hair and supporting her head but it was not easy teaching him too. He just asked same question over and over again. There was a few more things to do for her which I had already passed it on. N7. I did tell ZH it is really impossible to discharge her during my time but I did all I can to complete. Like the husband asked for some more dressing materials and I got it settled by getting it from the ward but just got to send the form down to get a new supply to return to ward which I filled the form too. I started to write report and the OT told ZJ and I that the patient asking a lot of things and waiting for discharge but she just seemed like she is not going to do anything. Well all right so I called the doctor about patient's request but didnt get through. N9. I saw that patient's appointment slip that my ward clerk returned back with one small error that I didnt do and felt disappointed because why she didnt call me to ask which she will usually do and had to make me walk to central to give her the appointment slip again. P7. Come again, maybe she did call but I not around or it was another clerk who most probably wont be that nice or today was really a terrible day for her too as I heard. N7. Anyway before I went to central to settle that, ZJ knew about the above and I was hoping that she will continue from there but she just gave the look that I should settle. I ignored her and continued to write my report.

At that time I was really stressed up already and felt very sensitive. N10. XZ called the two colleagues to eat the cake first before continuing working instead of me and despite knowing that I didnt go break at all. Nothing big but I just needed someone to comfort me. N11. I saw ZH and I was comforted because I thought she was coming to offer me help but she helped SY do a dressing and arranged case file. I dont mean to say her side not heavy but I just felt so alone. I would be glad enough if she just talked to me. N12. They served the pre and post meal despite their sides were heavy. They can do that why cant I? Were XZ and SY thinking of me that way? That's why she didnt offer me the cake or help? P2. However like I said earlier on that thank God, XZ was called back if not SY and I will really die.

N13. I went over to do my last dressing on the verge of crying but patient's daughter came in and I held back my tears. P8. It was great to have the daughter because she helped me to hold the patient's leg and I also tried my best to answer her about the consequences of patient refusing treatment. I really cannot be bothered with that patient's discharge but fortunately P9. I walked passed them so many times but they didnt bug me for the documents. N7. I just decided to see if ZJ got it settled. I asked if she called the doctor but no? The error appointment slip was still on the case file. I was really pissed and decided to just settled it and discharge them. That's when I went to central to get new appointment. I called the doctor and he picked up that time. P10. Luckily he came down quite fast and just then patient's husband came out to the counter and to my surprise P9. he didnt flare up but asked for the documents very nicely. At this point, ZH started to talk to me but I just ignored her and was finding for the stupid tube that was gone! N8. I broke down when I really cannot find the tube. P8. ZH started to calm me down despite my ignores to her. I discharged my patient at 5PM! 5PM leh! It's over my timing for one and a half hour! P11. Well I feel cannot blame ZJ too because maybe it might be really messy if she discharge patient as she might not know the full story for her and sort of there was a sick patient. She helped me to insert a catheter too which probably that should be done earlier by me.

P8. ZH and SY then helped me to settle my discharges too, N14. which SY looked reluctant too. I was telling them about what happened this morning and SY pushed ZH to my side to listen. I think I was sensitive but she didnt give me a good feeling about being interested to hear. I was once close to her. I just realised that in the ward there is no one that I can really talk to except ZH and Bel. I do envy that ZH and the one whole group of my batch seem close but I just cant be that close even though ZH tried to get me into the clique. I feel so childish. P12. Before I left the ward, FC saw me and she asked why my face like that? Then asked is it want to vomit again. I was comforted for her concern.

Conclusion! This is a close fight between negative and positive. Sorry but to say negative won but by 2 points. So I am slightly negative then positive after counselling myself. Well not so bad la but I am really tired liao! Sleep!

Journeying

2009-02-15T21:24:00.000-08:00

My gosh I suddenly realised I am quite a shopping freak! Despite being so tired and sleepy, I didnt want to go back because I was at a shopping mall and my legs just cannot helped but walked to a shop that stated 50 percent discount. I used to not like going shopping alone but now I dont care being alone and started walking from shop to shop. I just got to spent my money somehow and I bought a box of mochi ice cream. I didnt eat it alone but I shared with my parents even though they didnt really enjoy it.

Last night had good food! Joyce's dad is a excellent cook. Everybody has been saying that first time we tasted such good food at a party at chalet. Yup it was Joyce's 21st birthday party yesterday and most of the maranuts were there to celebrate for her. There was supposed to have games but the main lead was stuck with her video. He came only at 10.15pm and managed to play it. The video was quite touching with all the pictures and messages. I do wish that I had one too but my 21 was over. It does not really matter to me actually. It was just nice knowing that people appreciate you for who you are and the things you had done.

Well I dont really always need people to show they appreciate me but knowing that they in turn can show people love, I will be happy enough. Even though those things can help individual to go on during times of despair but to me I have a few friends that constantly pushing me on and that's enough. Plus I already have a big "mountain" for me to lean on.

Why did I have such emotions? Because of what Joyce said to me last night. After we gave her the present, she came to me and hugged me saying that she feels very bad for not celebrating my 21st. She said sorry and I was quite overwhelmed by it. Hmmm and I just realised that we have known each other for about 4 plus 5 years? My gosh that's shocking to me because the time passes super fast. Memorries seem to just stuck at the years that she was at AJC, when on and off through out the week I would call her to talk. Wrong! I would say I called her to listen because most of the time she was the one doing the talking..(should have say all this in the video! But heartfelt words are always hard to say in front of so many people, need courage plus plus.) I was quite entertained by all her real life stories about herself and also just to make sure she will be back in church again after her difficult periods. It was just like when I was away but there was no one who called to talk to me beside a few messages. Even though the memorries does not seem to increase from then on but no regrets with what I have done for her seeing her journeying with the others. I do hope she can really journey with them back to Christ.

I guess journeying starts "slowing down" when that person knows Christ is worth it to go all out and starts another journey with someone who does not know Christ. Then it will be the time to let Christ take control of the person fully and for the person to journey with Christ. It will be a new journey starting.

The best ang bao from sister

2009-01-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year to all! Today I went to my Godma's house and my little Godson came to visit me. I am so happy even though the whole day feel very bored. I feel the flame is covered by a bowl, dying soon. I hope I can do something soon. How I miss running up and down for mpm.

Anyway I had a great ang bao from my sister. I thank her for promoting me to SN one. I was really happy that I was jumping up and down. No one seem to know how I feel with the reactions that was shown to me. Maybe they thought I was crazy. This journey has not been easy, been through many memos, scoldings, tears, frustrations and etc. If not for all my colleagues, I would not be able to be what I am today. They have been really patient in teaching me and supported me very well by listening to my whines and cries. I just dont know how to describe how I feel but I guess I am more confident now and wont be too sensitive already. After all the incidents that happened, I cannot help to feel emtional and sensitive. I thank God for all my colleagues and friends!

More disappointed

2009-01-18T22:43:00.000-08:00

My gosh..Such a short day but so stressful. I have not been very well today but finished my work early today. My colleagues took the roster over to our station and we were all looking at it. I was not able to find my name and just then sister Chia came over. I told her cannot find my name and she said mine is over at A side roster. I stunned a moment and started tearing. Norani, Syahidah and Annabelle were all around to stop me from crying. I said that I am going over because I am not performing well. They told me to not think that way and go ask sister first. I asked sister and she said that because A side is lacking of staffs. She gave me a "slap" on my cheek and said not because she does not want me. I told her I cried before I asked her and she gave me more slapped, laughed and told my other colleagues that I very silly. All of us stood there and laughed. SSN Vali said that Sister Chiew requested for me to go over because they want someone that worked at A side before. I felt relieve but still quite upset because sister said permanently will be there for now. I finally getting myeslf adapted to B side and with the colleagues but now I need to go back A side. I feel quite upset but what to do, I have to listen to the authorties. Not a bad thing though, can get away some unpleasant things.

I felt so tired on my way to church and I just got to see people that I was not ready to talk to. I acknowledged them and went up to church straight but least that I expected they have not attended mass and came to sit beside me for mass. Through the mass I really was not able to let my thoughts be still but just thought of the disappointment and sort of broke down.

I talked to them after mass and I do feel better letting it out even though I was more disappointed than before. I rather they told me that they forgot about me than the reasons that they gave me. It made sense and I understood where they were coming from. It was about the other people not able to mix with the younger ones and because I am from there, in order to be fair they chose not to call me too. When they made the decision, why there was no one who can stand up for me and say that I am different from them and I wont do the same? Have none of them seen me always trying to get to know the younger ones or seen me always with the same clicks? Yes I definitely can go for that occasion but no one told me anything so how can I go? I was so caught up at work that I didnt remember the day too but I would go if I have no plans that day. Aiya just so disappointing and sad. Now I do have every reason for feeling like I dont have any friends. However I feel better to let them know how I feel.

2009-01-17T00:25:00.000-08:00

Do you understand how it feels like when people cant see your effort that was put in? Can you understand how it feels like when you are not called to be there with the efforts put in? Do you understand how disappointed it is? Even though I am at fault with neglecting it but I really put in the effort to fight the best and continue to be there whenever I can.

Just feelings, no one to blame. Move on.

I feel homeless

2009-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

I dont know why but I feel homeless. People who are close to me dont seem to anymore. Maybe I am expecting too much? I dont know why recently having a sense of belonging seem to get more and more important. Maybe that's why I am feeling kind of homeless. I know people do care, just that they cannot be with me 24/7. Is this one of those nights that I missing the past again?

This career of mine seem to draw me so far away from where I should belong. Can anyone understand how I am feeling? Why do I feel I have no friends when I know clearly I do have a lot of friends, plus those that I just made who are constantly wanting to meet up with me. I guess I am looking for someone to share my life with. Someone that I can tell about what happened each day. Am I looking for a boyfriend? Do all singles feel this way? I think I am really just missing the past.

I know I should just focus on God. He is constant. He is here for me to tell Him and I will try to find comfort in Him. I am not lonely because I have Him. I am just missing the past and just disappointed when people does not seem to remember you but it is human nature to forget. Well I decided not to go because my God daughter already booked me 1 week in advance so I should not make her sad, even though I really wish to be at the occasion that means to me.

Pushing myself to move

2009-01-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

I answered God's call today! I was at PPC meeting today and it was the day to elect new office barriers, which means I can finally leave my post as the assistant secretary. However I do know that there might be a chance to be elected again. I really wish not to be elected again, as sitting in for meetings with the adults simply made me clueless of what has been going on. Perhaps I am not mature enough to understand how they work or the nature of this organisation. Quite a failure though that I am in this organisation for 2 years, yet I still dont really understand the structure.

Well I know that most people would decline when they were nominated because their own group has quite a bit of responsibilities already. I was thinking that it would be very unreasonable for me to decline because I dont have any group responsibility even though I have other responsibilities like family and work but so do others. However at the same time, it would not make sense to be elected because I am not representing any group. So it was rather ironic. Anyway I told God that if He really wants me to do it, I wont decline and yup I was nominated to be the secretary instantly.

I also took the chance today to find a community that I should serve. I shortlisted a few and rank them accordingly. At the beginning during the registeration, there was a lady from the FIRE ministry was verbalising that her other partner cannot make it due to the heavy workload of their ministry. At the point I felt like that may be a good place for me to go. If I am not wrong, everybody will take turn to teach the children and I not necessary have to be on the days of their lesson for every week. If I am not able to teach, I am able to help them out on the admin side or helping to prepare lessons for them too. These do not necessary need to always go down to church. I had all these thoughts only when I was heading home, so I will find out more.

I have been feeling very exhausted and drained as each day passes by, it feels like physically sick. I told God to grant me health and energy to serve Him but I read in the book of St Teresa of Avila that she fell sick because she didnt serve the Lord properly. I was thinking if that might be my case. Perhaps I should really push myself to serve Him no matter how tired I am and He will grant me the health eventually. All right before I get more unhealthy, I should go rest now.

2009 New Year Resolutions

2009-01-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

In the midest of all the nosies of all the people who are getting ready to count down 5 minutes more to the new year, here I am here sitting in front of my lap top decided to blog about my new year resolution. Despite going out with the long queue of guys from where I am now till JB, I still decided to stay home and write my new year resolution. That's how important it is! (Yeah right!)

Anyway I know that I wont be able to finish it by tonight because I have a retarded brain that cannot work that fast and I am morning shift tomorrow but I better jot down some points before my flame goes out.

1. Answer God's call promptly.
God's call comes and goes. When a calling from God comes, you will know that it is from Him. If dont act on it, it will go easily with all the worries that set in. I was emtionally down a few days ago but when I prayed, I felt that I want to spend a lot of time with God. If I focus on Him, I wont think too much about the past. I I felt motivated to want to attend mass often and get mpm members to spend time with God too. It felt like a great idea having at least one mpmers to attend mass. If everybody has this wanting to spend time with God through the highest form of prayer, that will be really nice. However I started to think what if the younger ones are really quite consistent in attending masses, then it might lead them to always want to fellowship after mass which might cause unhappiness to their parents. Still got many many worries but I guess wait till the day when I manage to get them to attend mass consistently.

Anyway because of this calling. I came up with a few more resolutions to help me fufil the first one.

2. Attend mass when I am morning shift and off days as long as I have no appointments.
3. Finish work latest by 4pm when I am morning shift.
4. Read up on my work after work.
5. Listen to the authorities

If I want to attend mass, I have to end work by 4pm and prepare to go church. If I want to end work on time, I need to know my work well too. In order to do that, I need to read up, recall knowledge and know more. I have to get myself not to be to frustrated over work, as it will affect me to respond to callings. I will listen to the authorites, after all I believe the authorities are from God because only God can have the authority over me. Those authroities are really difficult to handle but it will help me to be dicipline and I shall just keep my mouth shut and do what I need to do.

6. Find my community and to know God more.

With the plan up there, I definitly need support. I have to find my community to support me and also to find God. I believe that you can only find God through serving. I need His support and therefore I need to know Him more too. I will also read up on books when I am home or as long as I am free. The next few are my other commitments too.

7. Spend time with my Godson and God daughters on their special day (baptism and confirmation day) with Christ.

Even though it's a yearly thing but it's a commitment that I want them and myself to make. At least to attend mass and if possible see how otherwise we can spend time with God.

8. Not be judgemental

The colleague who used to scream at me, saying I was passing rubbish, was actually quite nice to me yesterday.

Yup 8 resolutions! Can I make it? I hope I can!

An irritating feeling

2008-12-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

I feel very very irritated and I know why but I dont know what's the exact reason. It seems like a replied that I said? or a statement that I heard? or the shocking news that I heard? or the fact that I am just being one sided? or the reality I dont wish to face?

After thinking for 1 hour plus plus, I think I got the exact reason why I feel very irritated because I feel like I am still being made as a fool.

Get out of this disappointment please..

2008-11-29T18:50:00.000-08:00

I feel so disappointed with myself..I dont know what's wrong with me too, dont seem to be focusing. At the start of the shift, there were a lot of things to settle and we made round till 12 and it was time to give anitbiotics. After giving, 2 admissions came in. I helped Su to do 1 admission because she was at the other patient and we continued to answer call bells till 3am then able to write report. I guess I was a little kan cheong and afraid that not able to finish with 20 patients and the other routines. I wrote till 5am and checked through the imrs and trying to remember something that I got to do but I still missed things out. I was too stressed because the time was getting nearer and Su was not able to finsh her work too. Not able to calm myself for this night, perhaps I didnt do night for very long and I dont know all the patients who have long stories. I just feel disappointed and scared to go work. I dont know how to get out of the disappointment. God please help me tonight.

What does being appreciative means?

2008-11-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

That was the question I had yesterday. I was helping my colleagues to take down the inservices that they have attended before while I was taking down mine. Ab Neo was helping me too. I gave to them but none of them said a thank you. I mean I didnt do it for people to like me or just want to hear a thank you but I just kind of a little shock that the 4 people I gave to, no one show appreciation. It just led me to think of the statement that my colleagues said: 'The ward will not appreciate what you have done." It is kind of ironic that people who made such statement are not showing that they appreciate too?

I am not trying to say they are not nice. They are very very nice people who are willing to help when you approach them and people who encourages. I just feel like I am living in a world that is not loving enough. Well actually I can say that to me being who they are towards me are being appreciative already. To me it does not mean that being appreciative must always say a thank you, we can show it through our actions too. Like I am very willing to buy food for my station to actually show that I appreciate them. Is it not a natural thing for people to say thank you when they take initiative to do something for you? I think it is good to have the habit to say thank you and let people who does not really know you to feel appreciated. I guess I feel appreciated because I know them and know how they are like. I guess we should all start this way and change this place that we are living a more loving place to stay at and we will know that it is not too bad too. I hope that we can be saying that the ward is starting to appreciate when I continue to show my appreciation in the most simplest way.

Save me from this crazy world

2008-11-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

My mum just told me that my papa has started to talk rubbish ever since he started talking this new medicine. She told me the rubbish things he said and instead of getting worried, I found it funny. Perhaps I have seen it too many times at work and find it normal but I do find it shocking that it is happening to my father. I read up the 2 brain medicines he has been taking but I still cannot figure out what to do. The doctor who prescribed the new medicine has went on a holiday already, unable to get him. My mum and I think that prehaps he has too much of this brain medicines that causing this weird symptoms to develop. He has taken 4 times of the medicine already and it stated on the website that the treatment should not sudden stop. I told my mum not to continue but not to give so many times until when I find help at work or my tan jian ming replies me tomorrow.

haiz what a moody roller coaster day today..I felt so irritated with myself for being so tired because of work and I got no energy to do other things. My guilt is going to eat me up because I feel very bad still not able to serve God. I can find the time but I cannot fight with my body's condition. I know I need the rest, if not my patients might be in a terrible state. That's why I didnt wake up for 7am mass and go for catclass meeting. I reached home quite late last night after my friend's wedding. If I have no work today, I would definitely go for meeting and attend 5.30pm mass. I really felt super terrible that I hated work and didnt want to go work. However when I go work today, I felt happy again. I was deployed to central and had fun working with tan peng liang with his rubbish that was quite funny. I went back with him and he was saying I am a werird person. He sounded as though trying to tell me to better grab people who likes me if not no one will like this weird person. I think I am hyperactive. Nowadays talk so loud and hyper. I think something wrong with me too. I think I should refer myself to psy. Aiya want to sleep liao...

Super tired la!

2008-11-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

I went to Ellenborough Market Cafe at Swiss hotel to have buffet yesterday. There was nothing special or interesting to me and it was super expensive. I spent about 56 bucks? Not worth it! However had fun with my secondary school friend nana..Took a few crapy photos here and there. I think I ate too much and went back a little too late even though we took cab back. Today had some funny feelings of my tummy and felt very very frustrated with everything. Later part of the day felt really unwell. Stomach kept churning and felt like puking. I managed to be home in one piece..I was so exhausted! I better go rest now..Tomorrow is the last day of my morning shift and finally my rest...Catch my photos on facebook which I will upload soon!

Random updates....

2008-10-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah I am so happy because I was talking to Zi Hui last night and she said that we will only be rotating next year! Now I have time to prepare...I hope!

I met Jo for lunch yesterday and went to get some stuffs for my parents. I ended up shopping and I realised that I can go shopping alone. All along I think I cannot go shopping alone because I needed people's input on the things that I want to buy. As I walked, I saw what I liked, tried and decided to buy. Have never been so decisive before. Perhaps I was in the mood of shopping even though I felt sleepy and tired. I bought a dress and 2 tops, cost like 100 plus together? I feel so satisfied but dont worry I know how much I can spend...

I was watching this chinese show that kept saying love is selfish! How can love be selfish? Love is never selfish. God is love and God can never be selfish to do what is good for Himself only. If not we would not be here today, having our family and friends. God taught me how to love and I cannot be selfish. My decisons got to be love centred. The things I do have to be love centred. Despite the things that I have done or might do seem very cruel but it is love centred.

2008-10-26T02:08:00.000-07:00

Indeed I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I have mixed feelings...
I feel excited too....
I am finally fred from the cage, not being under control.
I no longer need people to baby sit me.
But I do feel scared...
The feeling is great but I have a lot of people to answer to for my actions from now on.
They haver high expectations of me and I do feel stress.
I hope this kind of stress it wont be for long and rather have it as a good way to encourage me.
I am worried I cannot meet up to the expectations towards me and disappoint them.
I have been waiting for the day and it's finally here.
The higher the hopes, the higher the disappointment.
But I hope it wont happen on me.

I am tired but I want to type.
I have new challenges tomorrow.
How exciting but scared.
I am looking forward to the day that I will be busy for Christ.
Thinking of how to get 6 Sundays off.
There's a will there's a way.
God will make a way possible for me as long as I want to serve Him.
There's no time to think.
Before you know it, you are in it.
When God calls, just do it. No time to think.

I feel stubborn because I refused to go sleep now.
I have meeting tomorrow morning.
I feel stubborn with the way I feel sometimes.
Refused to let go what is not possible, silly and stupid dreams.
I want to sleep away and forget everything.
Start everything new again.

The start of 22nd

2008-10-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have accidentally deleted my blog and I guess this is a sign to start of a new year, my 22nd year of my life. I felt that my 21st year of life was rather meaningless. All I can remember doing was just leading PPC praise and worhsip session, getting to know Eu Jin and Justin and called them to attend some bible sharing, working...There were lots of unhappiness too like getting upset with someone over and over again, memos, attitudes that dont seem right, scoldings, ups and downs like a roller coaster rides at work that I almost cannot take it anymore.

However I managed to reach the next year of my life, all thanks to the people who God sent to me. Made me new friends like Jenny who supported me well, my colleagues who were there to encourage me and listened to my whines, my little ones in church who always made me feel welcomed in church, my praents, especially my mother who tolerated my frustrations, last of all my kor who has been spening a lot of times with me and always enlighten me and advising me what to do. My 22nd year has just started for 5 days, new challenges are already coming my way. I am really scared and not prepared for any challenges.

I was told by Zi hui that I am going to central in Nov. It sounded quite exciting but I am afraid too. It seems likegoing to be a brand new environment I am going to work in even though is in the same ward. No doubts I will learn a lot but I guess it's not going to be easy as at A side. I believe I am going to go through even more than ever because I am no longer a new girl and I have no preceptor. There are many things I am expected to know but I am really not exposed much at A side.

Today met up with Moses to enquiry about being catechist. I have received whatever information I wanted and sort of settled the plan to start next year with liss and camp and there after decide if I want to join them for 1 year to discern if I am called to be. I saw Gerry later on and we talked for a while. In the end, she suggested to start this Sunday as they are going to plan for the next year plan. I was a little shock but I am glad because I want to get involve with the CC4 because the 2 girls who asked me to be their Godma. It is a great chance because they have yet to start planning for next year and I am able to join them. Isnt it God's will? However it's really fast and I am not prepared on how to arrange my schedule as I start on the journey to discern.

I went out with Godma today and it seems like God is sending her to knock on my head to wake me up. Everything is still the same as how it should be but I have fallen in again. I really didnt expect to feel anything when Godma made that statement but I did. A sudden sadness came over me and I just didnt want to believe that it will happen. She might not know if it is really true but it was a reminder for me to let go. She might have said that because she knows that I have not let go. I was really sad when I was going home, thinking about what she said and my fears for whatever that are coming made me feel worst.

Thank God I am not working tomorrow because I am really not ready. Even though I have not been working the whole week but I still feel physically tired and thinking what I am going to face at work made me scared to go back. I really pray that God will give me the courage to face everyday and let go. God I need You! Please be with me!